And I'm back... For some reason, I haven't been keeping up with my blogorial duties of late. I do apologize to anyone out there who actually cares what I have to say on here.
So, now, the post. I have been thinking about love a lot lately. No, its not because I'm in love, or dating someone, or anything... I've just been thinking about it a lot in general.
I have a lot of friends who are ridiculously happy in their long-term relationships or marriages or what have you... I have a lot of friends who recently got burned by their exes. But I feel like I don't have very many friends who, like me, have gone for quite some time without a relationship.
What it really boils down to is that I don't know why I haven't been trying to be in a relationship. I imagine it is at least in part that I have been very busy with the new job (but the "new job" is now 6 months old...), but I suppose that the rest of the blame, as it were, lies with me. Have I been avoiding the mere possibility of intimacy out of fear of rejection? Probably.
Rejection is the thing I deal with the worst. I can handle chaos, turmoil, pressure, all that... but rejection, especially on something as personal as love, is not something you can write off.
Oh, clearly, I did nothing wrong... This was no fault of my own...
Much like vocal auditions (for which I have never been rejected, and I've done a good bit of auditioning), there is nothing upon which to place blame but on oneself when dealing with a relationship rejection. I guess I just don't have the mindset that some do, the "Oh well, their loss" mindset... I can't do that.
I missed that lesson in life school.
And until I learn to deal with rejection (because I am under no illusions that it won't happen... I know it will), I don't think I can open myself willingly to it.
Goal for the year: Learn to deal.
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside,
Make your heart believe a lie,
Its stronger than your pride...
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1 comment:
dearest billy,
a) i had no idea you had a blog. thank goodness for gchat status messages. blogging would involve far too much feeling-sharing for my likings but the revelation of your emotional life is enjoyable on my end.
b) who in the world could you be referring to as having been burned by significant others??? i can't imagine.
c) you can be platonic/sexual orientation-unsure life partners with me and kylie when we all live together. we won't reject you, although we may give you shit if you leave dirty dishes in the kitchen :)
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